How to Say No
Article written by Danae Wells, THINK Educator
Do you ever have that feeling in your gut that you shouldn’t be doing something, but do it anyway? Maybe you’re scared someone will make fun of you, you won’t fit in, you’ll get in trouble, or maybe you never turn down a challenge. Many times middle and high school students have a difficult time saying no. This can stem from their desire to please others and the fear of rejection. No matter the reason, there are times in life when it is hard to say no. It is also important to note that it is okay to say no. Sometimes you may feel like you are not allowed to say no in order to keep your friends or family happy, but you are allowed to take control of your choices and say no.
There are two types of pressure situations: negative and positive. Negative pressure is to do negative, bad, unwanted, dangerous, or illegal things. Positive pressure is to encourage you to do your best and succeed. This article is to help you say no in negative pressure situations.
Step 1: Say NO
The first and hardest step is to say “no.” Saying no can be scary or nerve-racking. No one wants to upset a friend or family member. However, there are times you have to say no in order to protect yourself physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
Let’s think about a situation where we would need to say no. In our example, we are going to use James and Henry who have been best friends since third grade. James did not finish his homework last night because he was playing video games and wants to copy Henry’s work. Henry does not want to share his homework with James because he feels like that is cheating and does not want to get in trouble. Henry feels pressured by James to cheat so that his friend won’t get mad at him or quit being his friend. Henry has a lot of feelings including guilt, anxiety, and stress. He feels hurt his friend would ask him to do something they know he does not like. Henry tells James no and James gets mad at Henry telling him a good friend would let him copy their homework and walks off. Henry is hurt and sad that his friend rejected him and his feelings. However, Henry feels proud of himself for making the right decision, and later James apologizes for pressuring Henry.
Saying no can be really difficult. Henry had a lot of negative feelings while he was deciding what he was going to do. He really wanted to help his friend but he didn’t want to cheat. Saying no can be difficult because we want to make others happy or we don’t want to lose a friend. However, if a friend can’t respect your boundaries then they really aren’t a good friend for you.
Step 2: Be firm and continue to say no.
“I said no once but they are still pressuring me, so what do I do now?” The second step is to remain firm and continue to say no. Remaining firm does not include being mean; it means that you stick with your answer and continue to say no. You can make your voice more authoritative and use body language to add emphasis to what you are saying.
In our second situation, Laura and Holly are hanging out at Laura’s house. Laura has a bottle of her parent’s wine in her room and has poured herself a cup. Laura pours Holly a cup next and hands it to her. Holly doesn’t want to drink the wine because she is underage and knows that it could get them both in trouble. Holly tells Laura “No.” However, Laura keeps pressuring her saying, “Come on, it's just one drink.” Holly feels nervous and wants to make her friend happy; however, she doesn’t want to get in trouble and does not want to drink. Holly says no again this time using a firm and authoritative voice and shakes her head back and forth. Laura accepts Holly’s no, drinks her cup, and puts the wine away. Laura and Holly watch a movie together. Holly feels proud that she didn’t drink the wine and is glad her friend Laura respected her.
Even if a person respects your "no" once, does not mean the peer pressure will end. They may stop one day, but pressure you again another day. When you continue to get pressured, make sure to stand your ground. If they respect you, they will quit pressuring you. If they continue to pressure you, then you may need to reevaluate the friendship.
Step 3: What can we do instead?
“I’ve said no three times already and my friend is still pressuring me. I really want to hang out with them, but if they keep pressuring me I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep saying no.” When your friend continues to pressure you after you have said no, or pressures you to do the same thing multiple times it is helpful to change the subject.
Avery is pressuring Peyton to skip school so that they can go to the movies. Peyton knows that if he skips school his parents will find out and he will get grounded. Peyton tells Avery he doesn’t want to skip school. Avery continues to pressure Peyton calling him names, telling him he will miss out, and reminding him how much they both want to see this movie. Peyton continues to tell Avery no, but it is not working. so Peyton suggests, “Let’s go watch the movie after school and then we can get a pizza after.” Avery considers this idea, and he loves pizza. So, he accepts Peyton’s idea. The two go to school, then to the movies, and afterward getting Avery’s favorite pizza. Peyton is glad that he and Avery didn’t skip school and that they still were able to spend time together.
Changing the subject can help deter the conversation, and it gives you a way to spend time with your friend without feeling pressured to do the things you don’t want to. Some things you can change the topic to are food, movies, sports, school, church, or hobbies. Changing the subject lets your friend know that the problem is.
Step 4: Walk away when the pressure continues
There will be times someone will continue to pressure you even after you have tried all three of the steps above. This is when you need to walk away from the situation or find a trusted adult to talk to about the situation. If the situation is dangerous or illegal and you feel your friend may act on that activity you should always tell a trusted adult. Telling an adult does not make you a “snitch” or a bad friend. Telling an adult can prevent injury, death, or arrest. It is always important to remember if you are being pressured and the other person can’t respect you the relationship needs to be evaluated.
Emma and Eric have been dating for three years now. Eric is High School senior and Emma is a junior. Emma has heard some of her friends talk about sex and is curious about what it is like. She is worried that when Eric goes to collage he will leave her for another girl and she thinks having sex will be the best way to keep Eric interested. Emma hasn’t talked to Eric about her fears and Eric hasn’t pressured Emma to have sex. Neither of them have talked about sex before and have only kissed and cuddled on the couch. One night Emma and Eric are at Emma’s house alone. Emma starts to kiss Eric and things heat up. Emma starts to lift Eric’s shirt and he stops her pushing it back down. Emma asks Eric what’s wrong. Eric says nothing and they continue kissing. Things start to heat up again and Eric tells Emma he doesn’t want to do anything sexual. She continues pressuring Eric so he stands up and says how about we go take a walk or invite some friends over. Emma gets upset feeling like Eric is rejecting her and confirming her fears. Emma refuses to change the subject and tells Eric she loves him and wants to have sex with him. Eric wants to be with Emma but tells her no once more. She continues to pressure him so Eric leaves and goes home. Eric is glad he stuck to his convictions and Emma feels like she is not good enough. Later Eric calls Emma and asks her what was going on and why she wanted to have sex so much. Emma explains her fears and Eric tells her that she doesn’t need to worry. Eric explains that he believes sex is for married couples and that he wants to wait. Emma feels better after talking things out with Eric.
There are times when sticking to your no can be really difficult and may hurt someone else’s feelings, but you have to remember you are just as important as they are. You should always have a choice and when you feel like that choice is being taken from you or ignored you need to leave that situation.
What if I am being pressured by an adult?
If an adult is pressuring you to do something you do not want to do you need to talk to another trusted adult. This can be extremely hard to do but it is a necessary step to keep you safe and out of trouble. As a school aged student you should not be pressured by adults and if you are they are probably someone you should not spend time around. If this person is a family member it would be good to talk to a parent, a teacher, a church member, or a coach. Students have more difficulty saying no to adults because they are taught to follow directions and listen and therefore may need extra support when they need to say no to an adult.
Kelly is hanging out with her older cousin Josh. Kelly is fourteen and in eighth grade. Josh is nineteen and starting his college degree in botany. Josh smokes cigarettes and offers one to Kelly. Kelly feels pressured to take the cigarette so that she can be like her cousin she idolizes. She is scared because she knows smoking can be addictive, cause cancer, and knows her parents would not approve. Kelly decides to say no and Josh pressures her again saying that just one hit won’t hurt her. Kelly says no again and put her hands up to show that means it. Kelly walks away and goes to talk to her mom about what just happened. Sue, Kelly’s mom, takes care of the situation. Kelly and Josh continue to hang out on a regular basis and Josh never smokes around Kelly or offers her cigarettes anymore. If Josh would have continued to offer Kelly cigarettes Kelly decided she would no longer be able to spend time with him.
Kelly did the hard thing by telling her mom about her adult cousin. Kelly loves her cousin and idolizes him. She thinks he is great and wants to be like him. However, she knows not every decision he makes is the best decision. She said no to smoking and talked to her mom. As a pre-teen or a teenager you should not have to deal with the hard things on your own. It is helpful to have a trusted adult you can talk to about the hard things and that will support and motivate you to meet your goals.
What are some tips to stick with my no and not give into peer pressure?
Have a trusted adult you can talk situations out with.
Have goals and make decisions that will help you reach those goals. Say not to choices that will hinder you from reaching your goals.
Stay true to your values, morals, and religious beliefs.
If something is illegal or harmful think about the consequences of your actions.
Remember why you are saying no and what is important to you.
Saying no can be really difficult and can be scary at times. Fear of rejection, losing a friend, making someone mad, getting someone in trouble, or feeling like an outcast because you said no can make it hard to stick to your no. However, it is good to remember why you are saying no and set up a good support system to build you up and help you achieve your goals. Identify three trusted adults you can talk to when things get hard and talk to them about different pressure situations. Talk about things with your friends or your partner if you feel concerned about something. Most of all remember that it IS OKAY to SAY NO.