Why A Foster Child Caring For Their Siblings Might Not Feel Grateful For Foster Parent's Help

Written by FrameWorks Program Director, Rachel Kinder

Originally posted in Charleston Gazette. To view that article, click here.

FrameWorks Program Director, Rachel Kinder

An employee of our agency, Mission West Virginia, recently had a conversation with a new foster mother at her church.  She had a placement of a sibling group and was having trouble understanding why the oldest child still felt that she needed to take care of her younger siblings, even though it was no longer necessary.  This is a common misconception, that a child would be relieved to be free of caregiving duties.  Another is that a child would be expected to feel rescued or grateful for their placement in foster care.  To better understand children in care, it can be helpful to explore the system from the child’s perspective.   

In many cases when children first enter foster care, there is little advance notice.  After the Department of Health and Human Resources investigation is completed in which the need for taking custody is determined, a petition will be filed, and a Child Protective Services worker will physically take custody of the child or children.  A child may be removed from home, school/daycare or in emergent cases, from a hospital or the scene of an incident such as an arrest.  If the parents will be present or there is reason for concern, a police office commonly accompanies the CPS worker.   

A child may have limited time to say goodbye to their parents and pack their belongings, if at all.  The cliched black trash bag used as luggage is sometimes still in use however there are serious efforts by the field to discontinue this practice.  In a best case scenario the child is provided with a new suitcase or duffle bag but they are still very limited in what they can take.   

Personal belongings and clothes are just pieces of what children leave behind when they enter foster care.  Their family, both immediate and extended, pets, school, friends and community are generally lost when a foster care placement is made.  Best practice would mean placing with family or finding foster families in the same school district or community.  However, relatives are not always available and statewide foster parent shortages limit options.   At even greater loss, these shortages may even mean that siblings are split up, especially when the children are part of a large sibling group.   

After the immediate trauma of the removal (the ramifications of which will affect a child for years or even a lifetime) the child’s next hurdle is to adjust to life in a new home with a new family.  Important to understand is the fact that most children will not feel grateful or rescued by their placement in foster care, even if it removes them from circumstances of neglect or abuse. A child’s natural impulse is to love their parents (just as even abusive parents still love their children) and to prefer the familiar, even if what is “familiar” is harmful. 

An unknown foster home and family means being asked to trust a new caregiver, to learn and understand household rules and expectations, to eat unfamiliar foods, sleep in a new bed and the potential to live among new siblings and pets.  Accompanying all this adjustment is dealing with feelings of loss as well as potential guilt (was the removal caused by the child because they revealed a secret?).  Even happy feelings, such a liking a new foster parent or being happy to be in a new environment, may also lead to feelings of guilt or of disloyalty to parents.   

Some children, such as those in our example, may be used to caring for younger siblings and may have a hard time letting go of their parentified roles.  Even with a foster parent who can care for younger siblings, a child used to being the caretaker may not even know how to enjoy themselves and play like a typically aged peer.   

For those parenting children newly placed in foster care, good training will teach from the perspective of the child and encourage patience and understanding for children adjusting to overwhelming life changes.  For community members who may encounter children newly placed in foster care, understanding the child’s perspective may explain behaviors that don’t make sense without context.   

If you are a community member encountering a child newly placed in care, for instance in you school, church or as a new friend to your own child, it is important to consider the many factors that may affect behavior.  For the child in our scenario, it shifts the question from “why does she want to take care of her siblings instead of playing?” to “does she know how to play?” or “does she understand that it is safe to step back from her caregiving role?”   

For those who personally know foster families, the time after a new placement can be especially stressful.  Taking a meal, running an errand (there are so many needs at the beginning) or giving some extra attention to the family’s other children can be helpful and appreciated.   

If you do not know a foster family personally, you can always contribute to the effort to eliminate the use of garbage bags as luggage.  Programs across the state collect new and gently used luggage as well as new hygiene and comfort items.  For a child in a new home, it is empowering to arrive with new luggage and your own toothbrush and other personal hygiene items.  At the most basic, it is an issue of dignity.   

Individuals wishing to donate luggage to the Carry-on program may visit  https://www.missionwv.org/volunteer For information on foster care or adoption, visit www.missionwv.org/request-information, email fosteradopt@missionwv.org or call 304-512-0555.